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I caught wind that there was a new iPhone app that tracked Rob Fitterman’s whereabouts called “Where is Robert?”. Immediately intrigued, I hopped on over to the App store & purchased it for a whopping $0.99. After perusing it’s features: The Rob Tracker, Rob Trivia & Rob Pictures, I sat down to pen this letter to you. And look out. I’m not happy.

This app is completely offensive. First of all, the map with Rob’s whereabouts doesn’t even link to the locations. What kind of tracker is this? Now, I’ve been to the Hotel Cafe in LA looking for Rob, but what if I hadn’t? What if I was from Beirut & opened up my app all excited to find out where Robert Fitterman was on Wednesday April 25th. I have no idea where the Hotel Cafe is. I’m from Beirut. What if there is a hotel cafe in downtown Beirut that I assume Rob is at? I get all excited, I slip into my highest heels, my shortest skirt & a push up bra and put on my dark red lipstick, preparing to woo Rob by the bar in his hotel. “Heineken” sounds so sexy in Beiruitan. But I don’t get a chance to whisper “Heineken” to Rob because he’s NOT in Beirut and the Hotel Cafe turns out to be a brothel & I end up working as a high class prostitute for the rest of my life. How do you like that!? Alllllll because you refused to link on the map of Rob’s whereabouts.

Another reason I’m offended is because the app didn’t even accept my submission under the link “Rob Moved” to “In My Pants”. It is TOO a valid location for Rob to be. I even figured out the exact GPS coordinates where my pants were at that exact moment. That took me about 7 minutes. And my submission was REJECTED as INVALID. I will never have those 7 minutes back again.

Al-Hallaj: “There is nothing but Rob within my turban!”

Al-Hallaj’s friend: “You’re not wearing a turban.”

Al-Hallaj: “Oh. Then where’s Rob?”

Note that where rob is is overall oval shaped, a base shape.

Here is that oval is where rob is. The top horizontal line basically cuts in half where rob is, and indicates where rob’s eyes are going to go. The bottom horizontal line cuts the bottom half of where rob is in half again and indicates where rob’s nose is going to go or where it is right now (at the movies, in the park, buying salmon slices, recommending pizza places, walking the dog, talking to someone, etc.) (etc.) (where, etc.). Use tricks like this where rob is. Proportion is rob’s ally. Now ask where rob is. Cut where rob is in half horizontally and vertically. Add the bottom horizontal line, feeling the freedom of your tools and rob’s capacities (smoking a cigarette, purchasing half decaf expresso, shitting, taking pictures of his family and friends, giving a poetry reading, etc.) (etc.). Add a guideline for rob’s location, where he is, halfway between the nose and chin. This is for where rob is or might be, halfway between where rob is. Place the nose. Close your eyes and imagine rob right here, in front of you, now. Refer to your reference to get an idea of where rob is. Rob has a half circle in the middle and two skewed half-circles but that is _not_ where rob is. Don’t worry so much.

Use where rob is not as your reference and guideline for where rob is. The outer edges of your nose (and rob’s nose, the two skewed half-circles) indicates where the inner corners of rob’s eyes are. Stand outside with rob if you have him.

Tips:

1. Where is rob: When you note where rob is keep in mind that the space between your eyes should be enough for another eye (rob’s eye, or the “eye of rob”).

2. Irises: (Rob at the bank, rob waiting for the school bus, rob giving you or someone you know a high-five, rob in his “study” “reading” with his glasses on, rob in bed peering at a miniature television screen, etc. ); remember that the entirety of rob is rarely visible, and you unless you are afraid will remember. In this case, the top part of where rob is is behind you.

3. Typical Fitterman: Even though one eyebrow may be lifted, both rob’s eyebrows and your own eyebrows have the same starting height on the inside of rob, and where rob is or might be (the points closest to where rob is). Gets some ideas together in writing. Add another imaginary rob above the first imaginary rob and that should give you more or less the correct height for wherever rob is.

In all seriousness, the most difficult part is over. Erase your guidelines and give where rob is what it needs, and where rob is (walking to the elevators, driving a car somewhere else, committing small probably justified crimes, getting a haircut(?), touching himself(?), cooking eggs and pancakes, putting his feet up, looking at people and having a laugh, learning a new word, etc.) (etc.) (where) shape.

Is this where I’m supposed to find Rob’s poem or what?

Is this where I’m supposed to find Rob’s poem or what?

Où est Rob ?

Où est Rob ? A la recherche des objets perdus

Où est Rob ? Le voyage fantastique

Où est Rob ? Le carnet secret

Où est Rob ? À Hollywood

Où est Rob ? La Grande expo !

Ou est Rob ? Le livre magique

Rob remonte le temps

Donde Esta Rob?

Donde Esta Rob Ahora?

Donde Esta Rob? El Viaje Fantastico

Donde esta Rob? A La Caza Del Cuadro Escondido

Donde esta Rob? En Busca De La Nota Perdida

Donde Esta Rob? Edicion de Viaje

Where’s Rob?

Where’s Rob Now?

Where’s Rob? The Truly Terrific Activity Book 1

Where’s Rob? Wildly Wonderful Activity Book

Where’s Rob? Fabulous Flying Carpets Sticker Book

Where’s Rob? Dazzling Deep-sea Divers Sticker Book

Where’s Rob? The Wonder Book: Mini Edition with Magnifier

Where’s Rob? The Wonder Book

Where’s Rob? The Wonder Book with Magnifying Glass

Where’s Rob? In the Land of Sport Poster

Where’s Rob? Ultimate Fun Book

Where’s Rob? The Ultimate Travel Collection

Where’s Rob? The Wow Collection

Where’s Rob? The Fantastic Journey

Where’s Rob? In Hollywood

Where’s Rob? The Solid Gold Collection

Where’s Rob? The Mega Mini Collection

Where’s Rob? The Magnificent Mini Box Set

Where’s Rob? The Spectacular Poster Book

Where’s Rob? The Really Remarkable Activity Book

Where’s Rob? Wow

Where’s Rob? The Completely Cool Collection

Where’s Rob? Absolutely Amazing Activity Book

Where’s Rob? Completely Crazy Activity Book

Where’s Rob? The Incredible Paper Chase

Where’s Rob? The Great Picture Hunt (Mini Version)

Where’s Rob? The Great Picture Hunt

Where’s Rob? The Phenomenal Postcard Book

Where’s Rob? The Totally Essential Travel Collection

Where’s Rob? Santa Spectacular

Where’s Rob? Simply Sensational Activity Book

Where’s Rob? The Search for the Lost Things

Where’s Rob? The 25th Anniversary Edition

Where’s Rob? Bumper Activity Book

Where’s Rob? The Phenomenal Postcard Book Two

Find Rob Now


he: Where’s Rob?

 

she: Maybe he stayed home to read.

 

he: What’s he been reading?

 

she: Things on Houdini.

she: What happened to Rob?

 

he: He went to New York I think.

She: Really?